When your child asks if they’ll be harmed like the people on the news, what do you say? Psychologists provide tips on how to talk about identity

Children often express worries about their identity indirectly, such as asking if speaking Spanish could lead to their family being taken away. These questions may stem from overhearing news or societal messages but don’t always reference a specific event. For example, a child might ask about a classmate’s family safety or repeat an offensive slur they heard. The underlying concern is usually the same: What do these messages mean for people like me? Children whose identities aren’t directly targeted also absorb these messages, learning which differences are treated as normal or suspect. Psychologists note that these questions reveal children’s attempts to make sense of confusing or hurtful information they’ve encountered, whether from media, peers, or public discourse. The fear takes different forms depending on the child’s identity, such as language, skin color, gender, religion, or sexual orientation.

Children rarely ask identity-related questions directly. Instead, they might ask about a hypothetical situation, make a joke, or go silent when the topic arises. For instance, a younger child may ask if a classmate’s family is safe, while an older child might repeat something they saw online. Psychologists call this a sideways question, where children test the waters before revealing their real concern. Research shows that open-ended prompts like ‘Tell me more’ are more effective than direct or yes/no questions in drawing out a child’s thoughts. If a child says ‘I don’t know,’ it’s important not to press further immediately. Silence or uncertainty is normal, and parents can reassure their child by leaving the door open for future conversations, such as saying ‘If you think of it later, I’m here.’ This approach helps children feel safe expressing their fears without feeling interrogated.

Parents sometimes avoid discussing difficult news to protect their children, but silence doesn’t erase the message children have heard. For example, if a child overhears that people like them are described as dangerous or unwanted, avoiding the topic leaves them to interpret the message alone. Instead, psychologists recommend answering directly with statements like ‘Some people believe that, but we don’t.’ Research on ethnic-racial socialization—how parents teach children about race and ethnicity—shows that messages about cultural pride and history are as important as conversations preparing children for prejudice. For LGBTQ+ youth, greater family acceptance during adolescence is linked to higher self-esteem, better health, and lower rates of depression, substance use, and suicidal thoughts. Affirming a child’s identity, such as saying ‘There’s nothing wrong with being autistic’ or ‘You belong here,’ helps them separate hurtful messages from their true worth.

Identity should be an ordinary part of family life, not just a topic for crises. Research links avoiding conversations about ongoing threats to worse mental health in children during difficult times. Families can normalize identity by casually discussing culture, history, and challenging stereotypes in everyday conversations. For example, pointing out a character’s different skin tone in a book or noting why a toy aisle is divided by color can make differences feel natural rather than taboo. Studies suggest that the earlier and more casually these topics come up, the more normal they become. Waiting for a ‘big talk’ can make the topic feel heavier than necessary. The goal is to help children see their identity as a source of pride, not just a subject of conflict.

Children may carry the weight of hurtful messages for months or years. For example, a child who heard discriminatory comments in May might still feel their impact in August. Research on African American and Latino/a adolescents has found that experiences of discrimination are linked to depressive symptoms that can last for years. Parents should follow up with their child after a week or two, asking if they’ve thought about the topic again or if the ‘yucky feeling’ has returned. Repeated conversations that promote pride in a child’s identity can protect them against ongoing discrimination. For LGBTQ+ youth, continuous explicit affirmation from parents, such as ‘I will always love and support you,’ can serve as a powerful buffer against the stress of identity-related discrimination.

The majority of children in the U.S. are children of color (over 50% as of 2023), LGBTQ+ (about 20% of Gen Z), neurodivergent (1 in 36 children as of 2023), or live in households with at least one undocumented family member. These children grow up in a world where parts of their identity are debated or stigmatized in public discourse, and news is not just background noise. They may encounter stories about immigration raids, anti-trans political advertising, violence targeting people because of their race or religion, or demeaning portrayals of conditions like autism or dyslexia. Across these stories, children may hear the same underlying question: Are people like me accepted and valued, or are we considered a problem? Research links racial and ethnic discrimination to negative outcomes in adolescence, including depression, poor self-esteem, and declines in academic engagement. A 2023 report from The Trevor Project found that 86% of transgender and nonbinary youth said public debates over anti-trans bills had negatively affected their mental health.