Trans Becoming and the Failure of Language

The author describes their experience of gender transition, focusing on the physical and emotional process of chest surgery performed nine months before writing the article. They explain how years of discomfort with their body led to a deep sense of estrangement, particularly regarding their chest. This misalignment between their self-image and physical appearance grew from discomfort to shame and eventually to a desire for change. The author reflects on how this journey was shaped by observing their reflection in mirrors, photographs, and other reflective surfaces, which often made them feel like a stranger to themselves. The article frames this personal narrative as part of a broader exploration of trans identity and language.

The author discusses how poetry serves as a medium that embraces the failure of language—the idea that words cannot fully capture the complexity of human experience. They cite philosopher Gaston Bachelard’s view that imagination goes beyond reality to reveal deeper truths. Poetry, they argue, relies on imagery and metaphor to stretch beyond literal meaning and bring readers closer to emotional or existential truths. This concept is central to trans poetics, which the author defines as the use of poetic language to express the nuances of trans identity and becoming. The author also highlights how poetry, like trans identity, is a continuous process of articulation and change, where each attempt at expression also redefines what came before.

The author introduces two trans poets whose work resonated with their own experiences: Taylor Johnson, author of the collection Inheritance, and Aishvarya Arora, author of Mr.Time. They quote Johnson’s poem Trans is Against Nostalgia, which includes the line “There is a new / language I’m learning by speaking it”, to illustrate how trans people often create language as they live their identities. Arora’s poem is cited for the line “my song / only appears when it leaves me”, emphasizing how trans identity and expression emerge through articulation. The author connects these ideas to their own poetic work, HUM, which explores the fluidity of self and language.

The author explores the linguistic and cultural layers of their identity, particularly the word hum from their mother tongue, Urdu, which means both “we” and “I”. In English, hum is described as a gesture of sound, not speech, highlighting how language can approximate meaning without fully capturing it. The author uses this to reflect on their own writing process, where they sound out lines to arrive at meaning, much like humming a tune to find its melody. This idea is tied to the broader theme of how trans people navigate identity through language that is both personal and collective, always in flux.

The author discusses how art, specifically poetry, serves as a mirror for trans becoming. They describe reading Johnson’s work as a moment of recognition, where their own feelings about their body and identity are given form through another’s words. The article includes a quote from Johnson’s poem Chiaroscuro: “beautiful projection, boy in the mirror, boy in my mind. /…I want / to grow into you, and then abandon your / imprecise naming.” This line is used to illustrate how poetry, like trans identity, involves both embracing and moving beyond existing labels. The author also reflects on their own collection, HUM, and its closing poem Trans/figuration, which ends with the lines “I am taking my body / beyond its shape.” This underscores the idea that trans becoming is an ongoing process of redefinition.

The author recounts a moment in the surgeon’s office where they are asked how they want their scars to look, specifically whether they want them shaped like a man’s pecs. This moment highlights the tension between societal expectations of gendered bodies and personal identity. The author reflects on how their desire for change is not about becoming a man but about aligning their body with their sense of self. They connect this to Arora’s poem, which includes the lines “i’m not trying to be a man how / birdsong isn’t trying to be / an orchestra.” This comparison emphasizes that trans becoming is not about replicating a predefined form but about finding one’s own expression.

The author discusses how trans identity involves a continuous process of public articulation and private reflection. They note that each articulation of who they are also redefines who they are not, creating a dynamic and evolving sense of self. This idea is tied to the poet’s journey, where each line written is both a declaration and a step toward change. The article suggests that trans becoming, like poetry, is a series of attempts that reshape the self and the language used to describe it. The author’s collection HUM is presented as an example of this process, where the act of writing becomes a way to make sense of and articulate one’s identity.