How to Get Over the Hump of Writing Sex

The article begins by arguing that love and sex are inherently interesting because they are complex, unpredictable, and often involve conflict. Love can be unrequited, forbidden, or dangerous, and even straightforward love stories contain emotional depth because of human mortality. The romance novel industry thrives on this, proving that love’s troubles make for compelling narratives. However, writers often struggle to describe love and sex authentically. Instead of using fresh language, they rely on clichés like love is blind or love conquers all, which fail to capture the true complexity of these emotions. The article emphasizes that writers must find new and unusual ways to describe love and lust, even if they can never fully capture its essence.

The article discusses society’s mixed messages about sex, noting that while sex is a natural human function, it is often treated as taboo or secretive. The author shares a childhood memory of learning about sex through a picture book, Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle, which presented sex in a bizarre but sanitized way. The book framed sex as something done to a woman by a man, reinforcing traditional gender roles. The article argues that desire is a universal and normal emotion, even if some forms of desire are stigmatized. It also highlights that desire often drives storytelling, as characters’ wants and obstacles create conflict and narrative tension.

The article warns against reducing sex to a single dimension, such as pleasure or reproduction. It suggests that sex in writing should reflect the messy, emotional, and sometimes contradictory motivations behind it. For example, a character might have sex to feel loved, manipulate a partner, defy authority, or cope with grief. The key is to explore these conflicting emotions honestly, whether the scene involves revenge sex, break-up sex, or even a failed attempt. Simplifying sex to a mere act of physical pleasure risks making the writing feel shallow or unrealistic.

The choice of language in writing about sex is crucial. The article distinguishes between different types of diction, such as colloquial slang (fuck me harder), romantic phrases (make sweet love), clinical terms (penis, vagina), or poetic metaphors. The tone of the piece should dictate the language used. For instance, clinical terms might suit a detached or clinical narrative, while slang could fit a raw or edgy story. The article also challenges writers to confront discomfort with explicit or taboo words, such as cunt, arguing that these words can be powerful tools when used appropriately. The goal is to match the language to the tone of the story, even if it means silencing internalized judgments.

Stereotypes and clichés in writing about sex often stem from untrue assumptions, such as the idea that sex always involves a man and a woman or that it is solely about physical pleasure. The article cites Oscar Wilde’s observation that everything in the world is about sex except for sex. Sex is about power, but warns against reinforcing traditional power dynamics. It critiques a childhood picture book for presenting sex from only the man’s perspective, ignoring the woman’s feelings or other forms of sexuality. The article encourages writers to explore the diversity of sex, including same-sex relationships, self-pleasure, and varied emotional contexts, to reflect the true complexity of human desire.

The article suggests that explicit sex scenes are not always necessary for conveying desire or intimacy. Sometimes, subtlety can be more effective. For example, Bette Davis noted that a slightly exposed shoulder in a satin nightgown could feel sexier than two naked bodies in bed. The article also highlights Anton Chekhov’s technique in The Lady with the Pet Dog, where a sex scene is implied through a character’s internal monologue and a metaphorical action, such as biting a watermelon. Writers should ask whether an explicit scene serves the story or if implying it could create more intrigue. Trimming or suggesting sex can leave a stronger impression than detailing every physical act.